wanna go halves on a baby?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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