he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Randomize
