i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
