My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
