Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
