he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
