if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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