You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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