I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
