it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
