i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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