apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
