i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
