that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He told me they were just razor bumps!
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
