Please, let me fuck your mom
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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