ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
