remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Randomize
