Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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