i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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