i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
