You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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