I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
