WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
