It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
