haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
