I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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