that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
