can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
