my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
