Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
