nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
