she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
