@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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