I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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