I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
whose parrot is this?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
