I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
