The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
