Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
