I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
