Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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