apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
