It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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