Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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