Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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