I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
