Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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