Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
