How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
