I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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