It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
