went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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