Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
