Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
