Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
