Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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