Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
