I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
