Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
