Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
