My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
